Klaus_1
You don't really write many these days, do you? P
But I bet there's one you never forget. P
Send it off to a certain plump guy in a red suit and, provided you've kept your act together more or less, P
he'll drop off a toy or two. P
And yet, no one seems to wonder how the whole thing got started in the first place. P
This is a story about letters, and it began...with this one. P
Klaus_2
All the way from the top! Dispatch for one of your cadets! P
Don't tell me. Let me try to guess. P
I give up. Who are you? P
Drill Sarge! Have a seat. Can I get you something to drink? P
Aren't you supposed to be in equestrian training? P
Sarge, is that for real? P
No worries. I've got someone covering for me. P
Dispatch from the Postmaster General's Office! P
Don't tease me now. P
Here, hold these. P
Ah, well, I was expecting this a little bit sooner, P
but, yup, summoned to the dragon's lair. P
Go ahead and cancel the Drill Sergeant's espresso, actually. P
And, uh, here, why don't you finish mine? P
and I'm gonna take one last look around the old place so I can forget it. P
Got it. All right, let's go. P
Klaus_3
It's been nine months since I used every ounce of my influence to get you into the Royal Postal Academy. P
Actually, nine months and six days, but who's counting? P
What? No croutons? P
Shall we take account of your progress then? P
Sorting and filing; total failure. P
Carrier pigeon care and handling...abysmal performance. P
Transport of fragile merchandise ...worst on record. P
Well, there you have it. P
But, hey, we gave it the old college try, didn't we? P
Guess I'll just go pack up and head home then. Too bad. P
Stay right where you are. P
You're right. When will I grow up? P
Klaus_4
When will I stop squandering all these opportunities, P
which you so kindly forced me into, and become my own man? P
I guess I must really hanker down and rethink my priorities. P
All wrapped up in my silk sheets with some caviar and a sherry... P
You still buy the same brand, right? P
You think I'm just going to watch you purposely fail and then let you waltz right back P
to a privileged life void of any purpose or meaning? P
Well, yeah. Where else would I-- P
Congratulations. You are now a postman. P
Come again? P
You are to establish a working postal office in... Smeerensburg. P
Klaus_5
You've got one year. P
What is... What's happening right now? P
Six thousand letters will suffice. Stamped by your own hand. P
If you fail to get those letters, you're cut off. P
No more fancy apartments, -stagecoach, clothes, galas... All gone. P
You can look forward to a cozy spot in the gutter. P
-But-- -Six thousand letters, one year. P
You can't cheat, bribe or squirm your way out of this one. P
Dad! Come on! It's me. Let's talk about this, man. P
Remember, I... "Daddy, can I help you mail the letters? P
Can I help you put the medals in the letters and put them in a stamp with the--" P
Do you know how long it took to press this uniform? P
I don't either, but it took somebody hours. P
Finally, a friendly face. Can you believe what they... P
I'm not in the coach with you. P
Klaus_6
I'm all for discipline, but Smeerensburg? Isn't that a bit excessive? P
That boy needs a wake-up call, Sergeant. And who knows? P
Someday he might even thank me for it. P
This is really wonderful, Father. Thank you so much. P
I love this terrible coach ride. P
You go back to the intersection. You make a left at the dead tree. P
What? No. I'm not lost. P
Trust me, you are. P
Any chance you might actually get on it today? P
What was that? P
Which is on an island, which is surrounded by water, which I need a boat to get to, which you have. P
Are we starting to connect the dots? P
Klaus_7
Is the weather always like this? P
We're having a bit of a heat wave. P
Charming, huh? Why, you should see it in the spring. P
That's when those grays really pop. P
What happened here? P
Oh! Uh, colorful local traditions. Quirky folklore. That kind of thing. P
All part of this quaint town's vibrant culture. P
Oh, you rotten vermin! P
I thought there would be some sort of a reception. P
It's good you reminded me. P
You just ring the bell over there and, uh... and then the reception will start. P
-The bell? -Yep. Give it a go. And they'll come out. P
Why, they'll have a band, hors d'oeuvres and, uh... and the key to the city. P
All that reception stuff. P
Well, it's not every day they get a brand-new postman from the big city. P
What's happening? P
Klaus_8
They're biting! Get off! P
Isn't this nice? And you thought they forgot. P
Quick! Get me out of here! P
What's going on out here? P
Why is everybody just standing around? P
Look who's finally throwing in the towel! P
Throwing in the... Us? Ha! That's rich! P
Admit it! You weaseled out and rang the bell! P
Never! It was one of you critters! P
Don't you dare raise your voice at me! P
Oh, there you go! -You rang that bell! P
You know you rang... P
You chicken out, and now you want to pin it on us! P
Unbelievable! -We were plowing the snow-- P
What've you got there, children? P
Pumpkin, show Daddy what you found. P
This is no way to treat a person! Certainly not this person! P
Just one second. Let me just... A postman? P
Give me a break. -When will they learn? P
They've sent us another postman! P
Klaus_9
You don't know who I am, so I'm gonna let this one slide. P
But let's just say I'm not really a postman. P
Well, I am, because it's our family business. P
My father's a... Don't get me started, because it's-- P
Where were we? Life is too short - to go into details, but-- P
Come to the counter. I'll be right out. P
Whoever's there, I warn you, you do not want to mess with me. P
Holy mackerel! Oh, the smell! P
Fresh out of mackerel. Only herring and burbot today. P
Uniform, cold sweat, scared stiff, shaking in your boots. P
All right, I'm gonna just take a wild guess here. You are the latest mailman, P
and the ferryman tricked you into ringing the Battle Bell. P
The Battle Bell? What kind of a town has a Battle Bell? P
Can we open a window in here or something? I can't pretend any-- P
Welcome to Smeerensburg, home of the world's finest feuds. P
Feuds? Grudges, bickering, the Krums versus the Ellingboes. P
...are you gonna buy something, or are you just here to chitchat? P
Klaus_10
Isn't this a school? Shouldn't there be children and a teacher? P
I knew I was forgetting something! Children! P
Okay, here's how it works. P
I sell fish, and then the person on the other side of the counter... P
What would be you. You buy-- -Holy moly! That's you? P
What happened was-- -That's... That came out wrong. P
I took a teaching job at a place where people don't send their kids to school! P
Mingling with their sworn enemy's spawn? P
Oh, no! We can't have that! P
So, now I'm reduced to doing this so I can get some money P
and start fresh somewhere far, far away from here. P
Are you going to buy something? P
Herring's on sale today. P
Klaus_11